When comes to talentless whores who have no business  being in music, you probably picture famed professional slut Ke$ha. But alas my unlucky readers, for there is another who has managed to grab fame for herself. If you couldn’t tell my the title of this blog, i’m talking about no one other than Katy Perry.

A brief history: A former Christian artist, Katy Perry rebranded herself as a larger-than-life pop star and rose to prominence during the summer of 2008. Before she topped the charts with songs like “I Kissed a Girl” and “California Gurls,” though, she spent the better part of a decade recording music under a different name. Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson(or Katy Hudson, as she billed herself on her 2001 gospel album) was born on October 25, 1984, in Santa Barbara, CA. Raised in a religious household as the daughter of two pastors, she was forbidden to listen to secular bands as a child, although a childhood slumber party introduced her to the music of Alanis Morissette and Freddie Mercury. Religious music remained at the forefront, however, and Katy released a self-titled Christian album in 2001 under her original name. She would later abandon the genre (and her given surname) in favor of a pop career.

My dislike for Katy Perry is more so than any pop singer today, that including the aforementioned Ke$ha. At least Ke$ha , a.) Has some sort of musical presence and identity. Sure it’s being a whore, but it’s an identity none the less. b.) At least Ke$ha can admit she is a whore. Katy Perry seems to have this moral high ground when it is convenient for her. For example, does anyone remember when she criticized Lady Gaga for putting religious symbols in one of  her music videos, even though at the same time Ms. Perry’s showed California Gurls a video that featured whip cream shooting out of her tits. Classy Ms. Perry, very Classy

Reminds me of the whole Sinead O’ Conner and Madonna scandal, but only not as entertaining, seeing as how we didn’t get a Sex book from it. I could go on for pages about what I truly hate about her, but i’ll sum it up in three points.

1.) Horrible song writing

Let me say this, Katy Perry gains ONE, only one, point for at least writing her own material. It’s sad that top 40 artist put so little effort in their OWN music that this counts for anything, but whatever. With at that said, she still can’t write worth a shit. Let’s look at some of her lyric’s shall we, starting with one of her most offensive songs toward homosexual (but not her most offensive) This was also her first big hit. We’ll start with the chorus:

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like…

Fucking amazing, I mean just some of the most poetic song writing i’ve seen since the days of Jim Morrison. Despite the unbelievable simplistic and repetitive nature of this chorus, your probably thinking to yourself, “Hey that’s just the chorus, the verses are probably better written.” And maybe I am being a little unfair by beginning with the chorus so here is the second verse :

You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal
You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal
Secretly you’re so amused
That nobody understands you
I’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace instead
I can’t believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…

Nope the writing is still shitty. First off, what’s with the forced McDonald’s reference? I’m thinking she (Katy actually wrote this “gem”) was trying to be clever, but she isn’t that sharp so this is what we end up with. Get it, because you can get a happy meal from McDonald’s and you used to be able to supersize your meals! 😦 Ugh…..  Second, MySpace references are just timeless aren’t they? It’s not like they were already outdated in even 2008( when this song was released) and at this point it making one just looks sad. On a side note, when I first heard the song, I swear she said “crowd my space instead.”  Probably an attempt to fix that horrible writing. My final issue is the ending of the verse, where it just cuts right the fuck off. I mean “more makeup than”- what? Did she forget to finish writing something after than? It’s not like it was for cadence purposes or to finish  the aabb rhyming pattern she has, because doesn’t rhyme with the preceding verse. After the end of the verse all we get is the same chorus again, so is she saying that this person “wears more make-up than you’re so gay?” Maybe she’s supposed to be saying it like:” I can’t believe you wear more make-up than me, but than again you’re so gay”….. I think I’m digging to deep into this very shallow song, but the end to that verse always annoyed me. Overall the song is just making fun of someone for doing things of a stereotypically gay person. I’ve heard fans defend the song by saying it’s about a guy who’s so metrosexual that he is basically a total pussy. That still doesn’t make the song any less insulting or stupid. If the song is an attempt to slam an ex lover, she did a fucking horrible job.  The best she could come up with is “your so gay”? What, is she thirteen?

This pretty much sums up the problem I have with her writing. I mean, she attempts to be clever and witty but fails embarrassingly. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s afraid if alienating her tween fan base by going over their heads or if she’s just that stupid. I’m gonna go with the latter here.

2.) She can’t sing worth a damn

This isn’t just me being mean or a smart-ass here either, no, this is a well known fact to even Perry fan’s themselves. Look up any live performance and you’ll swear you never saw or heard such an embarrassing thing in your life. I won’t subject you to it by posting a link here, but just TRUST me. Hell, if you type in Katy Perry’s name on Google one of the things that is suggested is “Katy Perry can’t sing live.” When she tries to she either does this strange out of breath whisper that is always off key or she tries way to hard to add “passion” in her voice by doing this weird guttural thing. To give you an example when she does the latter, she sounds like a doped out (or even more doped, if possible) version of Courtney Love from her Hole days.

Also, she can’t sing live? As opposed to being able to sing well in the studio? If an artist isn’t able to perform a song live, at least marginally well, then they can’t sing. End of story, sorry Perry fans. Speaking of Katy Perry on stage, she has the stage presence of a goddamn codfish. I mean, she wear’s skimpy outfits and I guess she thinks (or the big wigs at her record company) this is going to distracts us from her lack of talent. New flash, it doesn’t because we can still hear her horrendous voice.  According to Wikipedia she also decided that if she is gonna be a performer she should be able to play an instrument. So she took up the guitar, and I again have to give her a point for credibility for attempting to play or own instrument. She almost never plays this on stage though, as she’d much rather prance around on stage showing her ass then actually have any credibility as an artist.

3.) Great production values

I know you’re wondering why this is bad. I mean great production in her music makes it good, right? Actually no, it doesn’t because not only does it highlight her piss-poor songwriting and voice, but it gives listeners a false hope of potential. Let’s take the song Ur so Gay for instance since I already used it for an earlier example. The song has this nice mellow guitar riff and slightly sinister piano mixed with this awesome whistling that reminds me of Liz Phair’s Supernova. It’s very trippy while at the same time has this very tight hook  to it. The song just seems to be made for the sharp lyrics and even Perry’s voice surprisingly works here. But like stated above, the lyrics are just too dull and don’t hold up even the slightest. Another example is Waking up in Vegas with it’s very bouncy beat and  catchy hook, the song had so much potential. All it needed was shaper lyrics but alas it fails. The only thing that my third point proves is that whoever is producing her albums deserves a much better artist to work with.

To conclude, Ke$ha Katy Perry is a lot of things, but talented is sadly not one of them. At times she show slight potential as someone who could be an interesting artist, but never even lives up to a quarter of it. Sadly she is only talented at selling this image as a “sex kitten” that apparently all of mainstream america seems to eat up. What a waste…..

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